this one's the real deal

(Warning: This post rivals Heather's in length. Grab a smoothie or a cup of joe and get comfy before you embark on this journey. Please try and finish reading it. Please.)

Man. Man and dang. Those are two words I've used countless times over the past couple weeks. Here's why.

A day or two after I turned in my two weeks notice at work, I sent an email to my Chinese contact asking him how things were coming on their end, and what all I needed to do on mine. He replied back informing me that the school I'm going to teach at cannot have me until January due to an Egyptian teacher whose contract doesn't end until then. Apparently they cannot have multiple international teachers at once. He told me to stay tuned for more details.

Well at this point there were no shortage of thoughts racing through my head, battling for my attention. Those of you who know me well know that I'm a bit of a thinker, so you can imagine what my brain looked like at that point. Initially I wondered how long my foreign friend knew about said circumstance without telling me. Then I thought about what that meant for my trip. Then I started entertaining thoughts that had until that point only dwelt in the most precarious corners of my mind. (This is the part where the post starts getting significant).

From the time I'd committed to teaching overseas to approximately two weeks ago, I'd had, for lack of a better word, doubts about the whole situation. One of my main concerns was the fact that at no point in my decision making process prior to committing did I feel like the Lord had told me that He wanted me to be in China this school year. I made my decision to go and teach very much on a whim. For weeks I'd been thinking with a "why not?" mindset, and one morning I woke up, went to my computer and told the powers that be, "I'm in." I didn't really feel led to do it, I was just doing it. Make sense?

Remember how I had all those thoughts vying for my attention? Well the ones that were questioning whether or not China was where Father had me this year went from being suppressed and all-but-ignored to being legitimately considered. Do I really want to move to a place that Father hasn't called me?

So this is what's been going on in my head. The next day I received an update email saying that I may be able to teach in a different city (the province's capital) for the first semester and then go to my original city in January. Later an email said that if I went to the capital city, that'd be a year commitment as well, which would at the very least postpone my going to City A, if not prevent it all together. One of my perceived problems with the capital city is the fact that it's one of the most wealthy cities in China. This is probably selfish, but I don't want to go serve overseas in a wealthy place. I've got that here.

My questioning of whether or not China was what Father had for me came to a point that I had to tell my Chinese contacts that what I was thinking. I told them, very honestly, that I was praying to see if the Lord really wanted me to go (or in their case, come) right now. They were supportive. Thus commencing two weeks that I did not enjoy. I sought the Lord with more energy and time than I had in a while. I spent time in the Word, in prayer, in simple meditation on things that the Lord's revealed to me thus far in my walk, and seeking wise counsel. Those are good things. They're more fun when you're doing them "just 'cause". They're less fun when you're doing them in order to make a decision that will potentially upset a handful of people a great deal.

One particular night, I had spent a lot of time praying and listening to the Spirit and I felt led to write down a list of things that I'm passionate about, things that I truly get excited about. Many of the things I wrote on that list I have no doubt came from the Lord. Some of them might not have. Either way, China and Chinese people didn't make the list. That concerned me. It reminded me of a time when Jon (whom I love) lovingly pointed out to me that at no point in my talking about my upcoming trip to China did I sound very excited about it. I justified it and thought that upon arriving, I'd certainly be more excited about my situation. I may have been right. Still, it didn't sit well with me.

I found out about four days ago that I was going to need to have made my decision by today, Friday the 27th. I went to bed last night not knowing what I was going to do. I woke up this morning, slightly upset that my dreams only involved kayaks in elaborate swimming pools and not a clear word from Father telling me "GO!" or "DON'T GO!". But as a result of all my time spent in prayer, the Word, seeking counsel, and reflecting on previous lessons from Father, I decided to sit down at my computer and send an email to the appropriate people informing them that I would not be moving to China in August. That was a tough decision. It's pretty humbling for a lot of reasons. I pressed send and got in my car to drive to my last day of work. Man.

So there's that. That's what's been going on in my heart, mind, and spirit the past few weeks. It's been crazy (that's another word I've used a lot as of late). It hasn't been entirely enjoyable, but I do think it's been fruitful, and isn't that always the case? Now this isn't to say that I won't be going back to China ever, it just means not yet. It also means that at least for a few more months, I'll be living in the United States, of which I drew and labeled a map on the dry erase board at work, posted above.

Thank you so much to those of you who've prayed for me the past couple weeks. Thanks also to those who would have prayed if they'd known, but because I didn't tell them were left uninformed until now. Thanks for caring enough about me (or just being bored enough) to have read this far in what looks to be one of the longest posts in online diary for the masses history. So comment away, and please keep in mind that this post, though long, isn't the exhaustive recount of the past two weeks. More thoughts went into my decision than I've explained. You're probably glad I didn't include them. Thanks again for reading.

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