I've had absolutely nothing but time on my hands the past week, and as a result I've done absurd amounts of thinking. Even on days when I have little to no free time, I still manage to do a good bit of thinking, so you can imagine how busy my brain has been the past few days. It hasn't stopped. Here is a very honest (G-rated) look into the things I think about:
- What the heck am I doing with my life?
- Why am I in College Station? Every ounce of my being wants to be in the northwest enjoying mountains, a cooler climate, and a different culture.
- Does God care if I leave and go to another place without his specifically telling me to do it?
- Why do so many areas of my life look so differently than I want them to look (and how the Bible says they should look)?
- Am I the pathetic guy who continues to relive his college life in his second year of out school?
- Why am I seemingly unable to settle for a random job that I can build experience in?
- Do I even want to get a job in College Station, which will all but force me to stay here (potentially) longer than I want?
- What am I doing wrong in the way of hearing what Father wants from me? Is His silence a way of telling me to simply go and act on faith and trust him with whatever that looks like?
- Why on Earth do I feel so dang sorry for myself all the time?
- I wish I were better at playing guitar, piano, and writing songs on each.
- Why am I fighting feelings of loneliness when I'm in the middle of a town where I know more people than almost anywhere else? (Probably because I'm not working, therefore I've got too much time alone, but I'm not working because I'm not sure, again, if I want to work here...)
- Why do I see both sides of EVERY issue under the sun, making it nearly impossible to have a firm opinion on any of the things pertinent to my current life stage?
- Should I move back to Dallas, live with Colby (who I adore), humbly ask for my job at REI back, go to the Village, and try to go to China with them next year?
- Is my thinking all these things good? Bad? Neutral?
- Why am I having such a hard time reading the Word in the midst of having an entirely empty schedule?
- Why am I so intolerant of people closest to me?
- Why don't people update their blogs more so I'd have a little something more to do during the day?
- I want to go for a walk, but it's too hot outside.
- What does it look like to actually surrender stuff to Jesus?
- Why am I all of the sudden somewhat upset and dissatisfied with God's intangibility?
- Why do I act like, think like, pretend like I've got everything figured out when I KNOW I have absolutely nothing figured out (save the fact that I don't know anything. I know that).
- Persons A, B, C, and so on think I should shave my beard. That makes me want to keep it more than I did before.
- What am I going to do with the lessons I've learned/ will learn throughout this season?
- When is Jessica Schmale going to come to the Station so I can hash all this stuff out with her over a cup of whatever she wants to drink?
- Why do over half of the visitors to my blog spend less than 5 seconds here?
- Why do my recent journal entries end in "UGH!"?
Believe me, I could go on, but I used the word "abridged" in the title of this post so I'll stop. Everything that goes on beneath my balding head isn't as negative as it may have just seemed. I think of it as being more realistic than negative. Realistic and frustrating. I'm not going to lie. It's frustrating. I apologize if you found this post too serious or depressing or anything less than satisfying or entertaining, but at the same time I don't really care. I've always tried to be very honest and authentic, and this blog is no exception. Oh, and if anyone wants to share their thoughts, there's a comment section and if you're reading this you probably know my email address and phone number. Go ahead. Lord knows I need it.
10.06.2007
60 hrs in D.O.'s head (abridged)
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16 comments:
I'll share my thoughts.
I think that Across the Universe was simply lovely.
Sometimes I want to live like that. We could live like that. We would be good at living like that.
I don't have your phone number or email address, but I have your facebook, so I'll send you a message there. That message will rely on the fact that you've read my blog...
Good questions, btw.
Hey D.O.
I just wanted you to know I read and now I'm praying for clarity.
Peace.
Lyns
the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything: 42
AND... after reading the post... i can honestly say i identify with EVERYTHING you wrote. all the why? why? why?'s
why don't i like Bible book reading?
how do i follow Jesus?
why are my desires so f'ed up?
why is God all intangible?
those are the main why?'s i can't shake.
1.) learning
2.) practice hearing
3.) open for debate, but God loves us and really loves faith.
4.) your spirit is willing, but your flesh is weak. There is a large amount of victory is the "willing". Dont just focus on the "weak".
5.) If you hang out at the MSC looking for people to talk to, yes.
6.) That is to safe for you. You dream too much.
7.) Your call.
8.) Big subject.
9.) We have to see ourselves as He sees us.
10.) Not a question.
11.) Loneliness is not a people problem, and perhaps not a problem at all.
12.) We should not have perspectives of only "under the sun". You sound like Solomon in Ecclesiastes. Thats a good book. Worth reading.
13.) I am biased. Yes.
14.) Perspective is huge in thinking. We have to move past only thinking.
15.) Idol hands are troub. Dont get comfortable.
16.) I must get that log out my eye first before I answer.
17.) umm...
18.) Go to Bush Pond around 4:00 am and bring coffee (even though you dont like it) and walk around and see the sun come up between those to tall oaks.
19.) Hold thinks with an open hand. I got that from Chandler. Real good idea.
20.) I wish I put my self in more situations where His tangibility was necessary.
21.) Ch.8 of Mere Christianity.
22.) See 21. I think you should keep it until you can sell it to Locks of Love or make the most massive ring of hair ever.
23.) Sow them seeds.
24.) I dont know.
25.) They want to see if you have updated lately.
26.) Because you grunted out of frustration and you wrote down that sound so that you would know you were frustrated next time you read that entry.
Just my thoughts. Could be way off. Take what you will. I love you.
Colby.
yeah, i like what mikey said. if there was a dude's crush party at a&m (and colby didn't know about it), and everyone got one crush, then there would be no girls, because every dude would crush colby. correct me if i'm wrong.
"Trust in the LORD will all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."-Proverbs 3:5-6.
Derrick, I wish that I could call ya to encourage you with this verse, but alas, a couple of weeks ago I accidentally deleted ALL my phone numbers in my cell phone.
Isaiah 48:17 is pretty tight too!
-Courtney
Friend, so good to read your thoughts. I assume that this is worth zero consolation...but I understand.
We will have to talk soon. Sorry I didn't make it to CS for the Baylor game.
~Jessica
first of all, i can totally relate to all of the above.
secondly, i think its great to wrestle with all this. it means you've got that beautiful/terrible tension btw the flesh and the spirit. He's working!
third, i had a really good time matching up colby's answers to your questions but it took me awhile so I was officially here longer than 5 seconds.
What's up DOH!
It was great seeing you last Saturday night. I know I didn't get to visit, but I check on you every now and again (evidenced by a few posts on your blog). I know we only had a brief time with one another if the youth area but I will never forget that you were the only one to laugh (one loud "HA!" to be exact) at some joke I made about gopher wood...
I also remember lunch at Wendy's - the restraunt, not the person.
I just wanted to interject (if I may) on a few of your random thoughts... (I too know what it is like to have an over-active "what-if-what-about-why-for-how-so" kind of mind. I also pray that this may also encourage/challenge others who seem to relate to your frustrations...
At the core of your frustration, my friend, is that you are asking all the wrong questions. I can relate, but questions about why you are in CS (or anywhere for that matter) are irrelevant.
The great missionary and martyr Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are be all there. Live to the hilt every situation you believe to be the will of God."
If you cannot do that where you are, you will not be able to do it wherever you go. The problem is not geography, but cardiology (it's all about your heart!).
Bottom line: if we are caught up with what we are suppose to do with our life, we are going to miss God because our search is self-focused, not God focused...
What do I mean? Look at these few thoughts of yours...
Why am I having such a hard time reading the Word in the midst of having an entirely empty schedule?
Why am I so intolerant of people closest to me?
Why do I act like, think like, pretend like I've got everything figured out when I KNOW I have absolutely nothing figured out (save the fact that I don't know anything. I know that).
Persons A, B, C, and so on think I should shave my beard. That makes me want to keep it more than I did before.
Do you see it? If you need to, have someone else read them and pretend like these are their thoughts. You will hear the pride and the rebellion. These and other thoughts reveal an unwillingness to let go of self. And until you let go of the deed of your own life you cannot answer these questions:
What does it look like to actually surrender stuff to Jesus?
Why am I all of the sudden somewhat upset and dissatisfied with God's intangibility? (He's only intangible when fellowship is broken - caused by pride, sin, and rebellion)
Does God care if I leave and go to another place without his specifically telling me to do it?
Why do so many areas of my life look so differently than I want them to look (and how the Bible says they should look)?
I love ya bro... And I don't want you (or any child of God) to experience any less than the joy and excitement and adventure that our Father has for us. But before we can do experience that, we must let go of self.
How many questions have "I" or "me" at the center of them?
Do I even want to get a job in College Station, which will all but force me to stay here (potentially) longer than I want?
Why am I fighting feelings of loneliness when I'm in the middle of a town where I know more people than almost anywhere else? (Probably because I'm not working, therefore I've got too much time alone, but I'm not working because I'm not sure, again, if I want to work here...)
Why do I see both sides of EVERY issue under the sun, making it nearly impossible to have a firm opinion on any of the things pertinent to my current life stage?
{I've been here too... two things I've learned: 1)don't give yourself too much credit and 2)whose stage is it?}
and lastly...
What am I going to do with the lessons I've learned/ will learn throughout this season?
I remember while I was in college (at a university to remain unnamed), I heard Louie Giglio say, "God's will is more about who you are then where you are."
Having said that, I can think of no better place to hear God's voice than in a community of believers where you KNOW God is working and you KNOW people love you and you KNOW they are going to shoot straight with you.
In short, I do not know of any place better that LH and those who are there. And if you do not KNOW there is a place as good or better, you should stay where you are and plant yourself there until God moves you.
The answers to all you ponderings are not going to be in the Northwest, on the mountains, on the beach.. you are not going to get them in an afternoon over coffee... Contrary to popular culture, you are not going to "find yourself" on some deep pseudo-spiritual journey... your heart's longings are found in an intimate, humble, growing and connected relationship with Jesus Christ.
That will only come as you allow his church(you know those that love you: LH people, and family-member/friends-who-passionately-love-Jesus kind of people) to pour into your life.
And before any of us are ready to receive that love, guidance, direction and instruction, we have to let go of our rights to ourselves. Let go of the resentment and pride that causes us to dismiss (or become intolerant of) what those who love us are telling us.
Until we get to that point, we will continually wonder...
Why on Earth do I feel so dang sorry for myself all the time?
I apologize for the length, but my heart was heavy for you brother, and also for those who are where you are.
I fear that your post was a solicitation for understanding and sympathy (if so you may be offended right now, if you even finished reading)... I pray that is not the case and that you were pleading for God to use a friend to speak truth into your life. I pray that he has done that. Call me anytime... someone there has my number.
a fellow soldier in Christ,
B
p.s. - love the mullet
Hey friend,
I'm friends with one of your friends now, but he's at my school instead of in your house. How fun is that?! Very.
I just now stumbled onto your blog from Faith's blog - glad I did. I hope you're doing well. By the appearance of things on this site of yours, it seems as such. Yay. ;)
Many blessings, amigo,
Carrie Graham
Umm... good stuff. or bad stuff... I guess it's however you want to look at it.
I was listening to a Matt Chandler sermon the other night from his series on Hebrews from like a year and a half ago about Faith. Something that he said that was really cool is that a foundational element of faith is discontentment. It's so true. When we are content with everything in life, there is no way our faith can flourish. I know that I have been rather discontent lately, and it was really good to hear that and realize that God is growing my faith in real ways through that. From what I can tell, you seem to be rather discontent as well! Praise God for that. Don't look for contentment...
Derrick,
I have felt that God wanted me to write you for some time now, but also felt that you may not welcome my comments. I prayed for the right time and the right words, and after reading your blog, I was reminded that I needed to write. I felt that I needed to share some things that God has taught me through the years – that may at least give you something different to think about – a different perspective.
I definitely understand how your mind can really just go “crazy” trying to figure out everything in your life – especially when you love the Lord and want to do His will and follow His leadership.
My mind works much like you described. I really would prefer that God send me an email that tells me exactly what He wants me to do. I remember one day many years ago, asking God to “just stop my mind” from going all the time in so many directions. I always wanted the “why,” the “what,” the “how,” the “when” – etc. Then one day, God showed me a scripture that I don’t ever remember seeing before:
Rom 8:7-9 7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. 8 So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. 9 But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you.
Another version:
Rom 8:7-9
7 Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. 8 And God isn't pleased at being ignored.
(from THE MESSAGE: The Bible in Contemporary Language © 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson. All rights reserved.)
Reading this scripture made me realize that all of my constantly trying to “figure things out” was really not pleasing to God. I realized that much like the original sin of Adam & Eve – I wanted to know what God knows. If God should send me a telegram or an email – then my choice would just be “obedience” or “disobedience” (don’t get me wrong – God loves our obedience); however, what God loves more is our faith in Him -- our trust in Him -- our heart that seeks Him. If we knew everything – then we wouldn’t need God at all – we would be our own God.
Heb 11:6 6 But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. KJV
Another thing that I have learned on my journey (that still continues) is that if there is anything that we “hold on to” and say to God: “God I’ll do anything that you want me to do except this one thing” – then God can’t work until we give “this” to Him, and we trust Him with “this” -- whatever “this” is.
Even though we would all like to have a “telegram” or an “email” – God just doesn’t work that way. He has given us His word, and it is amazing how many times God shows me what I need to do – or not do, when I pray and seek His will through His word.
Deut 4:29 29 But if from thence thou shalt seek the LORD thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul. KJV
When Misty was teaching in Taiwan, and it was close to time for her return home – she went through a time much like you are going through. After having a very stressful year in Taiwan, she didn’t think that she wanted to teach any more. And basically, she looked into every kind of job – other than teaching. We knew that she was a gifted teacher, but basically she told God that she would do anything -- but teach, and she didn’t want to hear anything that we had to say. One day, she called home because she was really upset and just didn’t know what she should do. I told her much of what I just told you – any time that you hold a stiff arm out to God to say “not that” then God can’t lead you and direct you beyond that point – because you won’t let Him. It is only when you are able to say to God – “Ok, God, I’ll go or do whatever You want,” and then TRUST Him to lead and guide you that He can begin to lead you. After our talk that day, she called again about two weeks later – very excited – she had finally told God that she would do whatever He wanted her to do. She was excited because she knew in her heart that she needed to teach kindergarten, and had peace about it from that day forward. You know the rest of the story, she ran into David at the new teacher orientation – the rest is history – they have a great Christian marriage and two beautiful children. She was obedient to God, but even more she trusted Him to lead and guide her life – she let go of the control.
Derrick, I can’t tell you what God’s specific will is for your life, but it is generally “as we go” that God reveals His will – one step at a time. As we are obedient to Him in the first step – He leads us to the second step, and so on.
Jer 29:13-14
13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. NIV
God doesn’t need you or me or any one to enrich Him -- or to make Him more than He is – God is totally complete. I don’t believe that God is as concerned with “what we do” -- as He is -- that in all we do -- He wants us to serve Him and honor Him and follow His ways.
Deut 10:12-13 12 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the LORD's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good? NIV
One scripture that really helps me when I don’t understand things is the following:
Isa 55:8-9
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. NIV
Basically – GOD IS GOD. He doesn’t need us to complete Him or to “Help” Him or to understand Him. HE IS. He is so much more than we can ever comprehend – if He were not – He would not be God.
Isa 40:13-14 13 Who has understood the mind of the LORD, or instructed him as his counselor? 14 Whom did the LORD consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding? NIV
When I was going through a difficult time in my life, my pastor at the time (D. L. Lowrie), told me to start reading Psalms and Proverbs. In Psalms, there are so many times that David is crying out to God, and saying “why have you forsaken me?” Usually by the end of the Psalm, David comes back to the conclusion that God is still God and He is to be honored and trusted. The Psalms are comforting to read when we are going through challenging times because we can see that God understands, and that others have been where we are – or in much worse circumstances, but God is faithful. He loves us and He understands, but He is still God.
Ps 22:1-5
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.
3 Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel.
4 In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.
5 They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed. NIV
Reading and heeding Proverbs can give us wisdom:
Prov 14:23
23 All hard work brings a profit,
but mere talk leads only to poverty. NIV
Prov 28:19
19 He who works his land will have abundant food,
but the one who chases fantasies will have his fill of poverty. NIV
Prov3: 9-10 9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing, NIV
Prov 21:25-26 5 The sluggard's craving will be the death of him,
because his hands refuse to work . 26 All day long he craves for more,
but the righteous give without sparing. NIV
You know Derrick, scripture indicates that there is nothing wrong with having money – it is the “Love of Money” that is a sin. The Proverbs say over and over that those who work and are diligent are blessed – but those who don’t will have poverty. Many people who are in poverty today have not had the same opportunities that you and I have had, and if God has blessed us with money, then He will also give us opportunities to use that money to help those people in Jesus name, and we have a responsibility to do so. However, many people are in poverty because they have made very poor choices. Usually – they do not have Jesus as their Savior and Lord; therefore, they don’t have His Holy Spirit to help them make wise choices and decisions. Yes, bad things happen to Christians as well, but as a Christian we know that God can use those difficult times to help us to “grow” in our faith and mature in our walk with God. The Christian life is a process that won’t end until we meet Jesus face to face.
I understand that you are very “anti-organizations.” However, God established the church, and He established the rules of organization. Because organizations (including the church and the family) are composed of imperfect people, and humans are sinful creatures, no organization will be perfect – even the church; however, much of God’s work is accomplished through organizations – through His church. There is no perfect church, and no perfect organization, but most often we can accomplish more together than we can individually. Try to focus on what organizations – churches – “do right” – rather than everything that they do wrong. You might actually find some really exciting things happening. If you are focused on what they do wrong – you can always find something that you don’t like. I encourage you to roll up your sleeves and get involved – invest yourself, your time, your life – and then – your perspective may change. Sometimes it is easier to “criticize” than it is to be a part of the solution.
Derrick, your family loves you – your extended family as well. Maybe your parents loved you too much, and gave you too much, but they have both worked very hard to give you and Lauren everything you have wanted and more. Your Dad had a difficult life growing up, so he wanted to give you all the things that he didn’t have. He wanted you to have every advantage so that you would not have to experience the struggles that he did. They have both loved and supported you, and lived a Christian life that you can respect and be proud of. Yes, they may have made mistakes – we all have – and you will as well, but you never lacked for love or support. You are very blessed.
We all love you and we will be praying that you will find the Peace that only God can give. You have been so blessed – please don’t waste your blessings. If you will put your focus on Jesus, everything else will fall into place – “in it’s time.”
Luke 12:48 For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required : KJV
Prov 3:5-10 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; 6 in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
7 Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. 8 This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.
I know that you are sincerely trying to find God’s will for your life, and I applaud you for that, but just “hanging-out” and not working will only make you more confused and will also become depressing because God made us to work and to honor Him in our work.
Col 3:22-24 22 Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to win their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. NIV
Please know that I have written this in love and because we all care about you, and want God’s very best for your life. I know that this letter is long, but I hope that you will at least consider some of the things that I have written.
In His love,
Your aunt - Sherry
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